My Current Fears

Part of the reason that I like working out is that it provides my brain with a good level of white noise, behind which my subconscious thoughts have a chance to rise to the surface. I'm counting, or timing, or doing math in my head, or keeping track of my heart rate. Those things occupy my consciousness, but aren't so taxing that I turn off to my subconscious completely. I find that it's actually a very fertile environment for getting unobtrusive thoughts into sharper focus.

Last night, the theme seemed to be my fears about Ecuador. When I first started having that bad series of nightmares (the break-in that wasn't, the leukemia baby, and the bipolar episodes), I assumed that they represented my general issues with loss of control (unemployment = inability to do anything). After last night, I started to think that maybe my fears about losing control are coming to a head now because of Ecuador.

What if I have claustrophobic freak outs in the huts? I'm not going to want to take xanax, given the altitude and the fact that I will have to be functional on a timetable. It's easier to trust my muscles; they do a good job every day and even when things are difficult, I can envision muscle remedies. But my stupid brain... it fucks up all the time. And fighting with claustrophobia is so tiring. What if I just can't get myself to rest?

Perhaps even worse, I have noticed that higher altitudes make me more vulnerable to panic attacks anyway. I have a pretty good record of controlling them mentally, but again, it's exhausting. I wish that I could just abandon myself to rest like a normal person. In an open environment and at sea level, I'm a champion rester. I don't know why I can't replicate my results when I'm confined in a sleeping bag and up high.

And then what happens if I have a serious bad physical reaction to altitude? Of all the bad possibilities, I think that I wish for that the least. That's totally out of my control; I can only do so much to encourage my body to adapt. Beyond that, it's up to parts of me that I can't control. And I'd rather that if I meet with failure, that it be because of something under my control.

Knowing that I have these problems makes me want to test myself to see if I can overcome them. It also makes me feel more stress leading up to the events. I can't imagine a life wherein I don't challenge myself, and I think that most people seem to feel that way. Maybe they aren't drawn to mountaineering, but they get it out in whatever way appeals to them (physically, intellectually, emotionally, whatever). I wonder sometimes what thoughts would go through my head if I sustained a serious injury. Supposing that I could never walk again: Would I think that I had been a daredevil with poor judgment? I just don't know. On one hand, living too insulated a life doesn't really feel like living, and how happy would I be if I never pushed myself? I might, in some sense, be as crippled as I'd be if I couldn't walk. But you probably don't notice that interior kind of crippled in the same way just because it doesn't affect everyday life. You don't have to move to an apartment with an elevator just because you've died a little inside.

On the other hand, I always want to return to regular life with all of my abilities intact. I want to challenge myself, but within the realm of safety. I guess what I'm saying is that if I did something stupid that caused my injury, I'd have a harder time dealing with that.

I'm also not sure that the "died a little inside" theory holds much water. Given my skepticism about religion, gods, and all of that stuff, I'm just not sure how much it matters that any one individual lives a full life. It might be sad to others, but really, the only thing that matters is how the individual feels about it. And if someone is content with what appears to someone else as a superficial existence, I guess that could be ok.

Plus, there's always the chance of getting hit by a bus.