I Am Too Stupid To Feed Myself

I ate too many cherries and now my stomach hurts. It's just that cherries are one of my favorite fruits, and they're only available for a few weeks a year, so I'm always tempted to gorge myself whenever I can find them in the store. It wouldn't be so bad except that I hurt myself with them every freaking day. And it's not only that I hurt myself with them yesterday and the day before that, but that I hurt myself with them last year, and the year before that.

Sometimes when I get to thinking about the possibility of an afterlife, I think that it would be cool if when you die, you're handed a long printout of facts about your life. In my obsessive-compulsive little world, this printout would contain information such as the number of gallons of water you drank, the number of steps you took, eyeblinks you had, and maybe even the weight of all the cherries you ate.

Sometimes I wish that my mother had kept better track of these things when I was under her complete control. There are years that I could have known, with reasonable accuracy, all of the foods that I ate! My mother really wasted an opportunity there. I sometimes wonder, though... what will happen if I ever procreate? What kind of crazy will I perpetrate on my offspring? Will I really present them, perhaps as Sweet 16 gifts, with marble notebooks full of lists of their early childhood foods? Do I have that much crazy inside me? Probably depends on whether I find a job between now and then, I guess.